Words
Trainee Diplomat: I’m here to pick up supplies for a meeting with the Crystal Cubes.
Resource Manager: You know that you will have to use their official name in the meeting?
Trainee Diplomat: Yes. I’ve been practicing. (emits screeching nose.)
Resource Manager: Not bad. Needs more accent on the first syllable, but they’ll understand you.
Trainee Diplomat: (rubs neck) That hurts my throat.
Resource Manager: Which brings us to item one, throat lozenges. (places package of same on desk.) Specially compounded for the diplomatic corp. There is a slight numbing agent and a stronger formulation than what you find in a store. To be used before or after the meeting, not during. There is never any food consumption during a diplomatic meeting between humans and aliens.
(both pause for shudder.)
Resource Manager: Is this your first time talking to (emits slightly more modulated screeching noise)?
Trainee Diplomat: Yes.
Resource Manager: Here are some of the things for you to wear. (lays out shallow tray holding several rings and pins, all bearing translucent gems of varying colors.)
Trainee Diplomat: So many?
Resource Manager: It’s our main trade item. (brings out small, velvet bag. pulls out necklace with large stone similar to the others.)
Trainee Diplomat: Wow. I’ve never seen one that big. And so clear. It’s like a big, round diamond. (picks up stone. body heat from hands warms the stone. lights bounce around inside the stone. the word coruscating comes to mind. stares raptly.)
Resource Manager: (clears throat.)
Trainee Diplomat: Oh yes, here you go. Wouldn’t want it to get dirty.
Resource Manager: Dirty? (laughs softly to self. holds out velvet bag for stone to be dropped in. is careful not to touch stone.) Do you know how these are made?
Trainee Diplomat: It’s not exactly a secret. They are a by-product from the (nods toward jewelry instead of attempting name). Kind of like oyster and pearls.
Resource Manager: Oysters and pearls? Hold that thought. You’re right it’s not a secret. It’s more that people don’t want to know how the sausage is made.
Trainee Diplomat: I read the briefing. The stones are waste products. How is that bad?
Resource Manager: Silicon beings. Waste products of silicon beings.
Trainee Diplomat: You mean?
Resource Manager: Yup. That stone you were fondling is 100% alien feces.
Trainee Diplomat (looks down at hands. brushes hands together): That’s unsettling.
Resource Manager: Wait, it gets better. They are fascinated with us as carbon-based beings. What is the most organic thing a can human produce?
Trainee Diplomat: You mean?
Resource Manager: Yup. Soft. Squishy. The stronger the smell the better. They smear it on the way we would perfume. They will undoubtedly wear it at the meeting.
Trainee Diplomat: What you’re telling me is that representatives of two sentient races will be sitting across the metaphoric conference table while literally covered in each others shit.
Resource Manager: Welcome to galactic diplomacy. (places a pair of nasal filters on desk.)
~~~ curtain ~~~
More aliens, ambassadors, & alimentary tracts.
“Dirk Moeller didn’t know if he could really fart his way into a major diplomatic incident. But he was ready to find out.” Whatever: The Android’s Dream: Chapter One. First chapter of a novel but works as a self-contained episode.
Story whose name I can’t remember, again, about a society where the essence of a being was seen to be in that being’s last bowel movement and a hardy band of adventures take said bowel movement to a place of honor. Ring bells for anyone?
Onwards!
Katherine
Virtual Brush Box 