Seated Perspective

Yesterday’s discussion of outhouses [Checklist] brought to mind a wedding story. The bride was a collateral relation and an avid rider. The guests where split between non-riding family members & horse folks. The reception took place at her parents’s house, a lovely old mansion that did not have the plumbing to withstand hundreds of fannies. So they rented Porta Potties. On the order of 4 PaPs for, maybe, 150 people for 4 hours. The blue huts were the kind with running water where you could wash your hands.

The NRFM’s were APPALLED that they were being asked to use outdoor facilities. The horse folks thought, ‘Wow, classy toilets’.

(Clip art courtesy of Clipart Graphics)

Update: Correction. I have since learned that the house was not old. It was a lovely, young mansion. The problem was water pressure for that many guests. Also, NRFM = non-riding family members. I’m trying to get better about flinging initials hither and yon. Harder to read and no point in text this short. Too many years DC, I guess. By the way, people are still appalled, just not in all caps anymore. October 2022.

New Barn Checklist

Prodded in the buttocks by a comment from Cowgirliz [Never Settle], today I visited a barn that offers Western lessons. Western comes with less baggage. I don’t know anyone in that world and have no ambitions in that direction. Of course, there exists the mathematical possibility that I will meet my equine soulmate, become the next Stacy Westfall, and make the US Team in Reining. Who says I don't have the imagination to write fiction?

Possible Point Earners
Perimeter fence. If all goes bad, the horses ain’t going anywhere.
Coiled hoses. So simple, so much neater.
Aisles that are swept/raked but not compulsively so.
Neat feed room.
Stall condition relative to time of day.
Airy barn.
An inverse fly/point ratio.
Miscellaneous junk – there is alway misc. junk – stored out of the way.
Fencing philosophy. No fence is perfect. The choice says how the barn balances the safety x cost x maintenance equation.
Big, grassy fields. Extra points for big, grassy fields that are being used.
Run-in sheds.
Salt blocks.
Picnic tables. Socializing is expected.
Adult riders for potential friends, unless this is an indication of a Serious Barn
& #1
Condition of the horses, physically & mentally. Ask the residents. They’ll tell you.

My new riding buddy?

Meh
Dump. The barn I grew up in was an epic dump. The horses loved it. I loved it.
Restroom vs. outhouse. Poop is poop. (Which reminds me of a story….)
Live in manager/owner. A trade-off of increased supervision vs being less amused by odd hours.
Viewing areas, mahogany stall doors, heated indoor rings. The fancier the place, more I wonder who comes first, horse or human.
Helmets. Given my yapping on the subject [sidebar, Helmet Evangelism], you might think this would be a dealbreaker. But no. I have no children to example set. If the folks at a given barn do not feel that their heads are worth protecting that is not going to stop me from riding there – wearing my helmet.
Ribbon displays. Go to enough shows & eventually anyone can accumulate a wall of ribbons. Now, if the ribbons are big, fluffy blue ones that say Ledyard, Radnor, WIHS, that will give the points meter a spin

Result
A friendly-feeling, casual barn. Horses looked happy. No one home. Left card. No progress, but at least action.

How do you evaluate a new barn?

Grazing Pains

tired boots
How do horses do it? Given the choice horses would graze 24/7. Yet after a session of hand-grazing Mathilda, I’m plumb tuckered out. Too tired to swear.

The optimist in us says that Mathilda is getting stronger. The pessimist points to her weight, wonders about her age, and questions the rosy-coloredness of our glasses. Either way, she is on stall rest/hand-grazing during the day while Rodney is out. At night, they swap & we let her move about at will. While Rodney has adjusted to a stall for long periods, she stiffens up. Hence the multiple grazing breaks. Having conclusively proven that she cannot be trusted to behave herself in company, I get to chaperon.

It’s easy duty. She eats. I hold the leadrope. She wanders. I follow. I read light but engaging books (Mercedes Lackey, Elmore Leonard). If he wanders too close, I give him the hairy eyeball. When she’s tired, I drag her back to the barn. The only physical effort is gentle walking and watching out for fire ant hills. And yet, I am exhausted. My two pairs of wonder boots help (Wellies & Red Wings [Thank You, Needful Extravagance]), but after a total of 4 hours grazing yesterday all I wanted to do in the evening was collapse into my chair and whine about my feet.

How long have you ever had to graze a horse?

Rodney’s Mommy?

Is a bay mare in in Tennessee. I am not. I prefer boss. As in: Yes, Boss. Right away, Boss. Is this high enough, Boss? I utterly reject and despise referring to human women as horse mommies. Not crazy about “pet parents” either.

My aversion to this usage dates back to my first leased horse as a teenager. My mother came to the barn. Another boarder referred to me as X’s mommy or to themselves as Y’s mommy. My mother went ballistic. History does not record her exact reasoning, but the intent of the lecture cometed through the atmosphere and made a permanent crater in my psyche. This is bad. Taboo. Verboten. Not to be done. Ever.

It is possible that my mother was reacting to unrelated family issues. Nevertheless, the lesson stuck. Still, one can only blame one’s parents up to a point. Eventually, you have to admit that your childhood ideas have become your own adult convictions. Without my mother’s reaction, I might not be so rabid in my dislike of this practice but I would never condone it. Imposing a mother-child bond on a human-horse relationship is not in keeping with a workable philosophy of horses. Over-sentimentality causes terrible horsemanship.

My horse took down a pole, knocked over a barrel, ran away on purpose to make me look stupid.
No, he was just being a horse. The stupid part was all you.

It’s it precious how my Fuzzy Wuzzy Angel nuzzles me for carrots and sits in my lap?.
No, it’s not. Trust me, your barn manager, vet, and blacksmith don’t think so either.

Treating a horse as a human shortchanges both horse and human. Hoofed herbivores asked to live under primate/carnivore rules function in a world that doesn’t make sense to them. They live in confusion. Since horses are not good at being primate/carnivores, people judge them as stupid. In a multi-species study, each animal was let into a room with 3 covered bins, one of which contained a treat. At first the food was always in the same bucket. Everybody aced that one. Then the food was always in the bucket to the left of the previous, or always to the right. Other species performed with varying degrees of success, as defined by the test-makers. The horses did not. They *always* went first to the bucket that the food had been the time before. This was seen as proving a lack of mental acuity. Yes, if problem-solving is important to you. OTOH, if you range over acres of grassland, it’s pretty smart to remember that the last time you were near this particular tree there was a nice patch of yummy just over there.

We would all be better off if we valued horses (dogs, cats, ferrets, goldfish) for themselves, not as ersatz people.

See Mom, I listened. Part of the time. Happy Mother’s Day.

Never Settle

The fourth & final day of the psycho-social drama that is my search for a new horse.

Buying a horse combines the mechanical uncertainties of inspecting a used car, the emotional baggage of adopting a pet, and the imponderables of hiring a co-worker. It’s a wonder any horses get bought.

My Uncle Jim knows little of horses but a lot about hiring co-workers. In the process of starting up and running a successful advertising agency, he spent many hours on personnel matters. This hard-headed businessman’s advice is to go with your gut. Once you have sorted the acceptable candidates from the unacceptable, wait for one that excites you. If you have a space to fill in your business or your barn, don’t you have to take the best of the available candidates? No. If your search hasn’t yielded the right candidates, change your search. Somewhere out there is the sort of person you want who in turn wants exactly what your company has to offer. Not just someone who has to live in your town for family reasons but someone who wants your mix of work/salary/corporate culture. Any time Uncle Jim has settled for “the best available”, he has regretted it.

I called him 6 months ago when I had finally found a decent horse after 6 months of looking. He was the best I had seen. Uncle Jim told me the above. I didn’t believe him. For various other reasons, I didn’t buy that horse. Turns out, Uncle Jim was right. Six months later I found absolutely the right horse, way higher quality than I had been looking for, who came to live here thru a concatenation of circumstances.

I wrote the above text the month Rodney arrived. Having just slogged through a year-long ordeal of horse shopping, I was attempting to capitalize on the agony by selling an article on buying horses to an editor. I wasn’t blowing smoke. Rodney was & is a higher-caliber horse than I ever expected to own.

On my Day 3 post [Eeny], I said I don’t trust other people’s opinions. I have my reasons. For the sake of libel suits, I will leave it at that. Insert your own unsuitable/unsound horse horror stories. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. You might have the advisory team of Matz, O’Connor, and Gurney with a Gates budget, but at some point you & you alone have to say, Yes, let’s do it.

I don’t trust anybody else, after Rodney I don’t trust my gut, & a third pasture ornament might just do me in. What criteria do I use when I don’t trust any of the criteria?

Related Posts
Horse Shopping day 3: Eeny, Meeny … oh you know the rest
Horse Shopping day 2: Yin or Yang?
Horse Shopping day 1: Crowdsourcing
Shopping for Rodney in Horse Illustrated
Horse shopping online: Putting Myself Out There … On Horseback.
Truck Shopping

So, Astute Reader, that is the long-winded answer to what is paralyzing me into inaction. In sum:
What should I look for?
Where should I look?
&
What should I do when I find it?