Ambassadors & Aliens, Fiction Fragment


Trainee Diplomat: I’m here to pick up supplies for a meeting with the Crystal Cubes.

Resource Manager: You know that you will have to use their official name in the meeting?

Trainee Diplomat: Yes. I’ve been practicing. (emits screeching nose.)

Resource Manager: Not bad. Needs more accent on the first syllable, but they’ll understand you.

Trainee Diplomat: (rubs neck) That hurts my throat.

Resource Manager: Which brings us to item one, throat lozenges. (places package of same on desk.) Specially compounded for the diplomatic corp. There is a slight numbing agent and a stronger formulation than what you find in a store. To be used before or after the meeting, not during. There is never any food consumption during a diplomatic meeting between humans and aliens.

(both pause for shudder.)

Resource Manager: Is this your first time talking to (emits slightly more modulated screeching noise)?

Trainee Diplomat: Yes.

Resource Manager: Here are some of the things for you to wear. (lays out shallow tray holding several rings and pins, all bearing translucent gems of varying colors.)

Trainee Diplomat: So many?

Resource Manager: It’s our main trade item. (brings out small, velvet bag. pulls out necklace with large stone similar to the others.)

Trainee Diplomat: Wow. I’ve never seen one that big. And so clear. It’s like a big, round diamond. (picks up stone. body heat from hands warms the stone. lights bounce around inside the stone. the word coruscating comes to mind. stares raptly.)

Resource Manager: (clears throat.)

Trainee Diplomat: Oh yes, here you go. Wouldn’t want it to get dirty.

Resource Manager: Dirty? (laughs softly to self. holds out velvet bag for stone to be dropped in. is careful not to touch stone.) Do you know how these are made?

Trainee Diplomat: It’s not exactly a secret. They are a by-product from the (nods toward jewelry instead of attempting name). Kind of like oyster and pearls.

Resource Manager: Oysters and pearls? Hold that thought. You’re right it’s not a secret. It’s more that people don’t want to know how the sausage is made.

Trainee Diplomat: I read the briefing. The stones are waste products. How is that bad?

Resource Manager: Silicon beings. Waste products of silicon beings.

Trainee Diplomat: You mean?

Resource Manager: Yup. That stone you were fondling is 100% alien feces.

Trainee Diplomat (looks down at hands. brushes hands together): That’s unsettling.

Resource Manager: Wait, it gets better. They are fascinated with us as carbon-based beings. What is the most organic thing a can human produce?

Trainee Diplomat: You mean?

Resource Manager: Yup. Soft. Squishy. The stronger the smell the better. They smear it on the way we would perfume. They will undoubtedly wear it at the meeting.

Trainee Diplomat: What you’re telling me is that representatives of two sentient races will be sitting across the metaphoric conference table while literally covered in each others shit.

Resource Manager: Welcome to galactic diplomacy. (places a pair of nasal filters on desk.)

~~~ curtain ~~~

More aliens, ambassadors, & alimentary tracts.

“Dirk Moeller didn’t know if he could really fart his way into a major diplomatic incident. But he was ready to find out.” Whatever: The Android’s Dream: Chapter One. First chapter of a novel but works as a self-contained episode.

Story whose name I can’t remember, again, about a society where the essence of a being was seen to be in that being’s last bowel movement and a hardy band of adventures take said bowel movement to a place of honor. Ring bells for anyone?


4 thoughts on “Ambassadors & Aliens, Fiction Fragment

  1. You have got to be published. In a book, of all your “fragments”. I’d buy it, and a copy for everyone I know. Which is hardly anyone anymore, but you get the idea.
    There was something in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy about a planet where your waste was weighed for something or the other.

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