Do We Even Know What Is Good For Us?
Part of the momentum behind my epic, two-year tailspin with Rodney is that he was brought on as a solution. At that point, my life, in a word, sucked. A few bits were okay, but many sectors of my life were floating at the top of the tank. Nothing that doesn’t happen every day, but they happened to me and they happened all at once. I couldn’t use B to distract myself from A, while trying to adjust to C at the same time.
So, I would throw money at a big, fancy horse and submerge my pain under a pile of blue acetate. Even if we ignore the superficial & materialist elements of that plan, it wasn’t a long shot. An active competition horse would give me a reason to drag myself out of the house on a daily basis, expose me to like-minded people at lessons & shows, and give the screaming monkeys new poo to fling. If nothing else, riding would wear me out. Never underestimate exhaustion as a distraction from angst. Instead, Rodney brought a whole host of new reasons to ratchet up the anxiety & self-doubt, while still leaving me time to gnaw on old bones.
Was it fair to expect any horse to solve all my problems then? Is it fair to expect so now? I remember being happy with a horse to ride. What if my memory is faulty? Perhaps I am selectively remembering the few moments of harmony and repressing the numerous frustrating days of bad weather, bad footing, &/or bad riding. What if I get a horse & nothing changes? What if I’m simply at a point in my life where I’m cranky and grumpy about everything, new horse included? Human nature has been known to seek false solutions or crave that which is not good for us.
OTOH, I have been continuously involved with horses for 35 years, and intermittently prior to that. People who love me & have my best interests at heart believe that a new horse would make me happy. Hubby is convinced that my having a useful horse would make his life immeasurably better. I see no way forward other than to get a horse & find out if that was the answer. Still, it’s a question worth asking.