Haven’t I Been Here Before?

Just when I thought I had no heart left to break.

Not to worry, no new drama. After drafting a post about saddles [Saddlephobia], we were inspired to try Rodney again. Just to see where we were. He flinched and spooked during carrot stretches. He bucked and tossed his head lunging over jumps. Both of these reactions indicate pain. I fell back my familiar, hopeless, despairing tailspin [Aftermath]. Progress is an illusion. Progress with Rodney doubly so.

My endless, epic melancholy is partly due the utter disappointment with how Rodney has turned out. Rodney was my mid-life crisis horse, that one fantastic horse I never thought I would have the opportunity to ride or to show.

Milton is nice. Milton is not stop traffic nice.

Rodney is not my heart horse. Previous Horse holds that spot. I still miss the grouchy, selfish bastard [In Defense].

With Rodney, I cherished a small, secret hope that some day, some how, some way, it would all work out. We would forge a relationship that would overcome all his doubts.

I’ll admit, I was also hoping to be bathed in vindication: stratospheric dressage scores, smooth hunter rounds, scorching jump-offs, Finish on Dressage Score/Led From Dressage events. In short, a competitive record that would make all the previous crap worthwhile.

He’s 17. He hasn’t been in work for 6 years. You’d think I would have come to terms with all of this by now. Apparently, I’m kinda dumb, or don’t let go easily.


It is time to …
Accept what is.
Be happy with what I have.
Enjoy my gorgeous lawn ornament.


Thank you for reading,
Katherine Walcott

6 thoughts on “Haven’t I Been Here Before?

  1. Those reactions can equally indicate “I’ve been out of work for six years, and have realized that if I have a little hissyfit about having a girth around my middle, I will likely be left alone for another six years.” It can also indicate that THAT saddle is not the one which will work for him. Playing devil’s advocate, I would say you’re drawing a lot of conclusions from one sample. You know the horse, I don’t … but there is a suspicion in me that Rodney has been playing you for a very long time. I still would love to see you get a second opinion. (Saddle fitter???)

  2. Could be, but I don’t think Rodney is smart enough to be that devious. His knobs may be on eleven, but he truly believes in the crisis of the moment.

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