Note: I wrote this on Tuesday as a companion piece to Wednesday’s post [Universe]. In real time, I’m starting to get a handle on the monkeys. However, I have no doubt they will start screaming again. Therefore, I’m letting this post stand.
After everything that has happened with Rodney, being bucked off Milton first move out of the gate has done nothing to ease the howling vortex that is the inside of my head.
Common wisdom says get right back on the horse.
Screw common wisdom.
The only chance of success is if I go at my own speed. Whatever that is. If that means seven months of lunging and horse petting, so be it. If that means riding next weekend, so be it. If that means I develop an unreasonable fixation against Milton requiring that he be rehomed, so be it.
Mostly I’m trying convince myself.
Everyone has been wonderfully encouraging and supportive. Doesn’t help. No matter who from. No matter how well the person knows me. No matter how much I respect that person’s opinion. No amount of external noise will drown out the internal voice that says You Suck.
I need to make peace with that voice before I can make progress.
~~~
Gratuitous Cat Photo
Blue amid books in my office.
Virtual Brush Box 
You definitely don’t suck. If it were easy, everybody would be able to do it, and trainers would have to get different jobs. Take it at your pace. If you find you’re not comfortable with Milton, you might try taking him to your SS trainer’s place and riding him there a few times (or more) in a controlled environment. If one thing doesn’t work, try something else. If that horse doesnt’ work, there are others. Don’t get down on yourself: there’s no percentage in it.
What Buffy said. I also thoroughly convinced myself that I suck. Oh, I stuck it out. I rode. I cried. (Behind closed doors) I cursed. I worried. I tried to pretend everything was going just fine. even though it wasn’t, and the monkeys in my head wouldn’t stop screaming either. And it wasn’t just because I got bucked off. Nope. Been down that road before. It was because I knew I really didn’t have a good handle on things with this new horse. And the more I tried to convince myself that I did, the less I enjoyed what I was doing. It became a “chore” to ride my horse. I liked her. I liked her a lot. I saw her potential. But I was broken. I fixed it by swallowing my pride (and fear) and finding a trainer. Not a road I’d EVER been down before. For the first time in my life I had to let go of all those years of hearing what a great “natural” horsewoman I was and actually put myself in the hands of someone who was going to tell me how much I really sucked. Except she didn’t. I actually found I was doing lots of things right. I also found out what I could do better for my horse and for me. It’s not like the Fairy Godmother Of Riding waved her magic wand over us and we happily rode off into the sunset together. Nope. We still had lots of shitty rides, only this time we had an audience. So when we struggled I got feedback. Good feedback. My trainer always found something positive to say. And so did everyone else. I also got to see other people … some who were very gifted riders … struggle from time to time too. Ah-ha! Gradually, the screaming in my head grew dim and six months later when I brought my horse home, I couldn’t hear the monkeys at all. Team Dharla is much improved and we’re enjoying every ride. If money grew on trees I’d put us back in training for 4 months or so every year. I think it’s that important. I’m just sorry I learned this lesson so late in life. Bottom line, do what ya gotta do, but never stop trying. You do Legos …I’m sure you’ll figure this one out! 😉
What rontuaru said. You have always figured it out and you’ll figure this one out too. If love could make it better, you’d have no problem. Love, Mom
Meditate. Sit on the grass and just watch the horses and don’t let another thought into your brain. No books, no nothing. Sometimes brains work better when you’re not forcing them into a pattern. You’ll get there in your own time. I have confidence in you.
Sometimes the situation sucks but it doesn’t mean you do. I think everyone goes through that and everyone has monkeys. Periodically. I know I do. They get hungry now and again but eventually settle back down for whatever reason. Lots of good comments above. Hang in there.
Don’t beat yourself up, this is not unusual.
I would suggest: 1) treat the horse for ulcers. A friend of mine had a perfectly nice horse shipped half the distance of your guy and what arrived was an unpredictable reactive monster…vet scoped, horse had grade 4 bleeding ulcers…treated per ulcergard protocol, and nice horse returned. Based on his reaction, going from very relaxed to explosive, I would strongly suspect ulcers. Shipping is stressful for even the sanest horses, Treat for Ulcers.
and 2) Get a trainer to help smooth out the ‘new-horse bumps’. Getting to know a new horse is not easy, don’t be afraid to get help, that’s why trainers are there, to give you a physical and emotional leg-up. Get a trainers help for a bit to kick-start you both in the right direction.
Milton looks very nice and has a lovely soft eye, don’t give up and don’t blame yourself.
I am so sorry you are going through this. The best piece of advice I can give is to remember that the world is not absolute: there is not a 10 point scale on which you and your horsemanship will be graded. Rather, you are the rider you are, and you need to find the place where you are happiest. For some, it’s rocketing around Rolex, for others, not so much. Best of luck as you work through this. It’s not fun, but I am betting you will come out on the other side a stronger, happier person. Good luck!!!
From someone who has been there: Turn off that little (or not so little) voice that is telling you that you should deal with this yourself and work with a good professional. Have the pro work with the horse, even if it is just a single session to evaluate where the holes may be, then take lessons as part of the training process. Trust me! This can save time, money, short cut frustration levels, and possibly prevent injuries.
Thank you all for the encouragement. Again.
We were supposed to be past the whine-laden segment of the program and onto the happy, perky, competition-preparation segment. Phooey.
I second, or third, or whatever, consulting with a pro … question being, I guess, is there one in your locale that you halfway trust? Failing that, I am poor, but available to give pep talks, stern talkings-to, analytics, as needed. I spend a lot of time talking students down off the ledge here at home, could certainly do so in Alabama if called upon to do so. Meantime (more FGM tough love here): call the saddle-fitter and get ‘er sorted instead of navel-gazing.
What ridexc said. Get a pro. Listening to the monkeys is not smart.