Conversations With My Stomach
At horse shows, I am too nervous to eat. However, if I don’t eat, I come over all weak and swimmy-headed. I can rally the energy to ride but the rest of the day is as much fun as a day-old omelet. I’m also told that not eating makes me a joy and a delight to be around the next day. To avoid this, I give my stomach whatever it wants.
ME: Motel continental breakfast?
STOMACH: You have got to be kidding me.
ME: Here’s an protein drink and a fruit bar.
A short while later
ME: What’s up?
STOMACH: I’ve decided I want oatmeal.
ME: Oatmeal is what we have at home. We are not at home.
STOMACH: I want oatmeal.
ME: You won’t like the generic stuff. You are thinking of the gourmet, steel-cut kind that takes 20 minutes to cook.
STOMACH: I want OATMEAL!
ME: Have a pretzel rod. Carbs and salt. I brought them because they made you happy during that long car trip.
STOMACH: F— you. I want oatmeal.
ME: Pepto-Bismol tablets?
STOMACH: I’ll take 2. No, make that 4. Then oatmeal.
ME: Cracker Barrel? Surely there will be something bland enough even for you.
STOMACH: Do not underestimate me.
ME: Okay, here’s the deal. Iceberg lettuce salad. Nothing tricky. Barely any taste. It’s water and fiber. It’s as close to our oatmeal as I am going to get.
ME: I know I have another class this evening but I need to eat something. Dinner is hours away.
STOMACH: A hot dog. I think I could cope with a hot dog.
ME: Snouts and nitrates shoved into a tube?
ME: Here’s Sonic. I know their hot dogs come loaded, but maybe they have a plain version. Anything on the menu look good?
STOMACH: A pretzel dog. In fact, a Cheesy Bacon Pretzel Dog.
ME: Really? Covered in processed, liquid cheese food? With Bacon? Onions?
ME: You’re not going to give me attitude about this later?
It worked. Go figure.