Ad Copy
translation
… a stunning, nearly black …
Because fulfilling your Black Beauty/Black Stallion fantasy is such a smart way to buy a horse.
… _ year old Throughbred…
Youthful wingnut.
… stands about 16 hands.
Maybe 15.3 hands, most of which is wither.
… best suited for an experienced rider.
Hang on.
… beautiful movements!
Hears voices and runs around the field like a lunatic.
… a great extended trot …
Trot has two speeds, go and go faster.
… and strong canter …
Pulls like a freight-train.
… and even knows how to side pass, …
Crow-hopping sideways is a favorite trick under saddle.
… prospect…
We haven’t been able to do a d*** thing with the horse.
…has good ground manners, …
Never pulls hard enough to actually break the cross-ties.
… but needs a little work standing for the mounting block …
Runs off as soon as your foot hits the stirrup.
…sensitive feet…
You will be sending your blacksmith’s youngest to college.
… really sweet …and is easily becoming a barn favorite.
Spoiled rotten carrot mooch.
… a great brain and would most likely be a quick learner.
As soon as you’ve fixed one evasion, here come three more.
Caveat
Okay, because I’m too paranoid to commit to full-out snark, allow me to say that any advertised horse may be everything the sellers claim and more. It may be the hottest prospect since Gem Twist. The above is simply how my mind translates such phrases when I see them in a horse ad.
Or am I being too cynical?
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Gratuitous Kitten Pic
Virtual Brush Box 
Nothing wrong with the occasional snark. A bit of cynicism is good for the soul. now who’s being snarky?
Horse buying is not for the faint of heart. I used to work with a BNT who on the honesty scale scored pretty high marks. And, still. There’s stuff you just don’t say.
I think the biggest issue for you seems to be location. There are half a hundred awesome horses in the Northeast (VA, PA, NJ) that would suit you just fine, but you’re fifteen hours too far south of them. And if you scoot up for a quick look see, well, a quick look see is not the best way to buy a horse, is it?
Be cynical and let them prove you wrong!